As I mentioned in my last post, the qualifying exam was looming factor for me last semester. I'm not a good test taker so I stressed about it for probably two months - maybe three months. I know people said it's ok if you didn't pass and try not to stress about it. But I did. A lot. And I studied. A lot. The hard part of it all was not juggling laundry, dinners, grocery shopping, Mike's job, and the homework. I can multitask like the best of them.
The hardest part (that no book or workshop or person can prepare you for) is the emotional part of being a PhD mom.
Trying to read a book to the kiddos at night while thinking about the equations I just read.
Having to say "not yet, honey" to my daughter when she wants to play but I need to work on an assignment.
Choosing to play with said daughter knowing I will lose at least an hour of sleep to finish that said assignment.
Trying to be fully present with my kids and hubs while worry wants to overtake me.
It's the emotional part - the loving part - the quality time part - that noone tells you about when you enter a PhD program.
On my bad days, they seem to add to my "to do" list. "Love that kid", "Play with the other one", "Make something other than peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the hubs for dinner"...they become something else to do.
However, now that I can look back at last semester they are the greatest gifts of grace that helped me make it through. My kids will probably never know that I was thinking about the equation while I was reading to them. Or that I was exhausted when they asked me to color with them. Or that I lost LOTS of sleep from studying after they went to bed. Or that some of the time (maybe lots of the time) I didn't want to play or help or get more apple juice. I was just tired. At the end of the day, I had kisses and hugs and forgiveness and grace.
And at the end of the semester, 2 hours after the qualifying exam, I had this special movie time at home. Bella and JT, thank you for what you gave to your momma this semester. And, Mike thank you for walking with me through it!
PS: The morning after the semester ended we went on a run together. This is what I saw. Awww, doesn't it make your heart happy?
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