When the calling is hard

It's winter time here. Christmas has come and gone.  The festivities and family and presents and multitudes of cookies and twinkling lights are gone.  Now, it's just me and the quiet.  And, i've been sad.  And, i've been doubting.  The whirlwind of the last few months has come and gone. Moving, starting school, moving into a new house, finding a new rhythum with the kids, new jobs...things are settling down.  But my soul is having a hard time settling. It's having a hard time being steadfast.

I miss my family.  I miss Granny Ruth and Pop. I miss the ability to drive to see my sister. I miss the familiarity of my job.  Don't get my wrong. We have been beyond blessed with our church family here and I'm incredibly thankful for who they are and who they have been to us.  It's simply wondering what the Lord is doing. In the quiet. Without the twinkling lights. Without the family. Without the Christmas cookies. Without the noises of the world. It's a doubt of His calling on our life. It's a doubt that He is Faithful. It's a rawness that hurts when I miss our families and feel guilty about moving so far away from them. It's a doubt of His Goodness.

Yet in those times of quiet - when I finally quiet myself to be honest with the Lord, to express my raw feeling with Him, to come with nothing more than my heart - I'm reminded of the depth of His Love. I'm reminded of the steadfastness of His Love.  In my doubt i've been met with reminders of His calling.  His Calling on Mike's life and on my life. And how that is hard right now. But gently, quietly, calmly - i'm reminded of His Sweet Presence.

When we were praying about coming here to Durham, the Lord spoke to me through a couple of verses, specifically in Deuteronomy  - "See, I have set the land before you. You are a people (a woman) holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you to be a people (a woman) for his treasured possession, out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth. It was not because you were more in number that the Lord set his love on you, but it was because the Lord loves you. Know therefore that the Lord your God is faithful, He keeps his covenant and steadfast love.  The Lord your God will clear away these nations before you little by little."

Little by little He spoke to us to come to Durham.  Little by little - I got into school, we sold our house, Mike had a great interview with a great church...those "little by little" things were cleared away for us. This week I was reminded of those little things and reminded they were reflections of His steadfastness.

"For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land in which you will lack nothing.  He goes before you. He went before you to show you by what way you should go.  He knows your going."

Again, a reminder that He brought us into a good land. He has gone before us. He knows where we are going. In His steadfast love.

"He executes justice for the fatherless and the widow and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing."

A reminder of my calling of my why i'm pursuing my degree. A sweet reminder of our role in this world. With His steadfast love. And because He is good to the world.

"But when you go over the Jordan and live in the land that the Lord God is giving you and when he gives you rest, then to the place that the Lord your God will choose to make his name dwell there, there you shall bring your offerings and sacrifices. And you shall rejoice with all your family."

When you go and LIVE...it takes time to live in a place. Living does not happen automatically.  This was a reminder to simply live - to simply live in the moment in the land "across the Jordan".  He promised rejoicing in the land with your family - after living. Again, a gently reminder He is steadfast. And He is good.

"Take care to not offer your sacrifices in your choosing. But at the place that the Lord will choose.

Love the Lord, walk in His ways, hold fast to Him."

Your choosing, Lord.  This is the place where you chose. This is the place where we present our offerings and sacrifices.  This is the place where we present our first fruits. This is where we are to live and to rejoice. In your steadfast love you have reminded me of your calling, your presence, and your steadfastness. And I am so thankful for it.

Notice that the more I reminded myself of His calling to us, I added some terms to the paragraphs about the verses.  I started out in doubt. Then I was reminded of His Steadfastness.  Then, slowly and gently I was reminded of His Goodness. Reminded that He truly is Good.

Sometimes the Lord speaks in mighty ways and earthquakes and rushing waters.  Sometimes we can rejoice with loud shouts of Hallelujah and thanksgivings.  Sometimes we can remember the Lord's promises and believe them.  Other times He speaks in the quiet of a living room. Without twinkling lights. Or people. Or cookies.He speaks through our doubts and tears. He speaks to remind us of His calling. His rejoicing. His steadfast love. His goodness.  Gently, calmly, quietly.

Sometimes, it's when we hold fast to Him that we are reminded of who has been holding us all along.