One precious son

It is early morning and everyone is asleep, except me. It's usually during these moments and while i'm nursing my son in the middle of the night that i'm reminded of the precious gift of children, of health, of having a family. I think i've had a low level of fear this past month. Fear of the preeclampsia getting worse, fear of having to go back to the hospital, fear of my blood pressures getting in the "seizure zone" again (what a scary word! They should call it something better like "buttercup zone" or "roses and lavender zone"...but I digress), fear of having to rehospitalize Jonathan. Now that we're nearly a month out I am beginning to not fear as much. But my body and soul are coming down from the adrenaline rush I have probably been living with.

Earlier this week, May 3rd, was Jonathan's original due date. On that day, I had a three week old little boy at home. And we were all healthy. And I was overcome with gratefulness and thankfulness. I was reading my daily bible readings early that morning and one of the scriptures was Psalm 103. That has always been a special Psalm to Mike and I since we were dating. We would dance to a song that was based on that Psalm while dating at Wayland. And read part of it at our wedding. And I was reminded of the prayers I had for this little boy through this Psalm.

It reads, "Praise the Lord, O my soul. And everything that is within me Praise His holy name."

You see, in the margin I wrote beside the first verse "October 10th, 2010 - Praying for this little baby".

I was desperately praying for "everything that is within me" that day in October. The first 16 weeks of being pregnant with Jonathan was filled with lots of bleeding, three trips to the ER because we thought we had lost him, and three times hearing the doctor say "I'm not sure what's wrong but everything is perfect with your baby".

The first time I started bleeding (majorly, I might add) I just knew we were miscarrying again. I called Mike in tears. I packed a bag for Bella in tears. We took her to some friends house in tears. While we were dropping her off our dear friends prayed over me, while I was still in tears. And they prayed life for our baby. They prayed life boldly for our baby. And I doubted. I didn't want to get my hopes up and then hear the doctor tell me awful news. So I remember guarding myself after we left. I certainly appreciated those prayers (more than I can say in words) but I didn't want to get hurt. 20 minutes we were in the triage area of the hospital and the OB said, "Everything's perfect.". What?! Prayers, people, prayers! Thank the Lord that He is faithful even when we are not.

So, fast forward one year to May 3rd. I'm reading that verse again and reminded of the desperate prayers I prayed over Jonathan when he was still the size of a little bean inside me. I'm reminded that I desperately prayed for ALL that is within me to bless His Holy name. I'm reminded of the faithfulness of precious friends who prayed life for us and stood in the gap in intercession for us when he couldn't do it ourselves. I'm reminded of the heartache of losing a child and the joy and responsibility of holding one.

One year. One bible reading. One scribbled prayer in my bible. Multitude of thanksgivings. One precious son.