Little twinges

The past few weeks have been better. Still hard at times. But better. I felt like when we first found out about losing our baby I completely stopped - physically, emotionally, spiritually. The world kept whizzing by me. And I couldn't make it stop.

I wanted to.

I wanted to tell it to stop and everything to stop because we just lost our sweet baby. It was the weirdest feeling to go back to work and have to "go back to work". Just like that. I had to go to a supervisor orientation class when I started having more cramping. And I remember looking around the room, as we are all learning how to be effective motivators, and just hoping someone would notice me and what I was going through. But noone did. And that's understandable. I just couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that the world kept going. I've heard that's common with others who have grieved.

So, I finally feel like I am walking again. And nearly at the same pace as the rest of the world. I am laughing again. And working again. And just going through life again. However, I do have moments of "stopping" again. These are little twinges of pain. Mike and I were talking at lunch the other day about these twinges we both have.

It happens when i'm at CVS and a very pregnant lady walks by me. And she is adorable. And smiles at me.

It happens when I go with my sister to pick up her wedding dress. And realize I should be 4 months by now. I should be semi-noticeably-pregnant. I should be picking out a dress that will fit my pregnant self for her wedding.

It happens when I go to the store and noone notices me. Then I remember I don't have the pregnant belly that everyone stares at.

It happens when I drink caffeniated coffee again. Or run so fast my heartbeat goes over 140 (they tell you not to do that when you're pregnant).

It happens when I see certain shirts in my closet I was looking forward to wearing.

When these twinges happen and the world keeps going while I stop, i'm very much reminded of when Mike and I went camping after we lost the baby. I did not have feelings of peace or solace from God. I did, however, have moments of knowing He was there. I just knew He was near to my brokenheart. And that was enough for me. I still know He is near to my brokenheart. Those little twinges of pain and sadness are felt by more than just me - I certainly believe they are felt by Him too. And I am so thankful for that.