Two weeks ago was my due date for our sweet baby we lost in May. We should be sleep-deprived and wondering what the certain cries mean. We should be learning to swaddle again and tripping over the pack-n-play at nighttime. I should be recovering and having running-withdrawls. Mike should be taking his finals and writing his papers with only 3 hours of sleep to go on. But, this week we're living a "normal" life, whatever that is. Mike is finishing the semester and i'm busy at work. We're playing with our toddler, cooking suppers, spending time in front of the Christmas tree, and simply trying to find Sabbath among the hub-bub of Christmas busyness. But, we should be...
Sunday was a rough day for me. A beautiful song was sung at our church called the "Labor of Love". I nearly didn't make it through the whole thing and had to go to the bathroom afterwards to simply sob. I had mixed feelings hearing the words. I should have been the one in pain and in labor. It wasn't fair that Mary was able to give to her child and I wasn't able too. Yes, she birthed the Savior but I still had thoughts of anger and hurt and "why".
Then, gently I was reminded that her labor of pain, of love, came to world to be the physical Grace, Stability, Shoulder, Rock I needed. Her labor brought me the Love I needed. Her labor brought me the Strength I needed to get through my lack of laboring. Because of her labor, our sweet baby can be held in His arms. We can have hope that the true Hope will reunite us with that sweet baby one day. Her labor brought the All that I needed, the Grace to be held, and the Calm to my heart.
This Christmas season is difficult, mainly because it's all about a little baby being born. And we should have a baby that was born in December. But we don't. And because of that baby born 2,000 years ago, I am enveloped in grace and love and peace. It is still not ok. And I certainly do not think it is God's will. I simply think it happened. And in the midst of my brokenness, the baby born in Bethlehem meets me with nothing more than the shelter of his wings, the light of his presence, and the "enoughness" of His Love. He certainly understands and mourns with us.
Mike preached on Sunday that love lead Jesus to be crucified. Love also lead Jesus to be born.
Perhaps this is what Advent means. God with us. Truly with us. Thank you sweet Jesus and thank you Mary for your labor of Love.
2 comments:
Oh Emily, I was just reading this post after posting mine, and received a notification that you had commented. Funny. You are so sweet and I want you to know that we have been praying for you guys over the last few months (even though we haven't told you that!) and have been thinking of y'all a lot. As I was reading your post, in some really strange way, I was glad to know that all these crazy feelings are normal. Although, I am so sorry that you guys are going through this and hate that you are hurting so. But it's just nice to know that what we're not the only ones feeling this way. Thanks for your prayers are reassurance and just know that we are keeping you guys close in prayer as well. "Glory Baby" is one of my favorite Watermark songs, and now I can indentify with it so much more than ever before. We love you and continue to lift you up... Miss you sweet friends!
Wow, Em. Beautiful. I love you and appreciate your honesty.
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