I took my little gal to the zoo today. I have two big assignments due this week, a party at our house on Saturday, an ordination at our church on Sunday, a huge school project due next week, two deadlines looming for work, and the various preparatory readings and articles needed simply to get ready for class this week. But, today, I took my little gal to the zoo.
Don't get me wrong. I could easily have spent the 7 hours on homework or cleaning the house or catching up on laundry. I am driven, focused, an overachiever, someone who made her first 'B' in my third year of college and was beyond devastated. The temptation was there to simply do school work again and "be all that I can be". What would it have amounted to in 10, 20, or 30 years? What will it matter if I get a 95 instead of a 90 on a test? What will it matter if I get a 90 instead of a 70 on a homework (I cringe thinking about that grade but that's part of learning to balance, right)? What will it matter if I miss that certain journal club or paper reading or presentation by a notable professor? What if I can impact thousands of children in Africa but I don't spend time with the ones God has entrusted to me?
In 10, 20, or 30 years, my children will not care about these things. What will matter to them is not grades, publications, notariety to notable professors but if I had time to love, time to share, time to listen, time to play, and time to simply experience childhood with the ones that love them the most - their parents.
The sacrifices come in many forms. I get up at the wee hours of the morning. I will not even tell you how early that is for the sake of not getting "looks". I lose sleep for the sake of playing with my kids, putting them to bed, crawling in bed with Bella to hear her sleep, holding JT for way too long after he has gone to bed. I put down my books and homework that desperately needs to be done and play outside with sidewalk chalk for a long time. I miss journal clubs, study groups, presentations, and other items at school or work for the sake of coloring with a kiddo, taking care of my house, or "wasting time" by simply doing nothing but be with the family. If I were honest with myself, that makes me nervous because what if I miss out on an opportunity for dissertation research or miss a study group that could improve my grade or have to postpone meetings because of a sick kid.... It makes me nervous, y'all. I am not perfect and this is definitely a part of me that feels the tug and pull of PhD life and being a mommy.
Through it all, however, I'm learning to simply trust. Trust that even though I missed a study group today from taking Bella to the zoo and I will miss a journal club on Thursday because I will be with JT all day, I will still get my PhD. Trust that even though I can not be at the beckoned call of some notable professors and can not work 24/7 on publications I would like to work on, I will still get my dissertation done in excellence.
Trust that even though I choose to not spend the hours I would need to fully comprehend a logistic model, I will still pass my qualifying exam. Trust that even though I am at the top school in the nation for my degree, I will not be overlooked but will be where I need to be, with who I need to be, and when I need to be.
Trust that I will be taken care of just as I have always been by the One who orchestrates my life.
Trust that I will be ok. Trust that it will all be ok.
So, on the constant hamster-wheel of PhDlifeishness, I am reminded that some days I need to go the zoo with my little gal. We had a wonderful day with no whining, from either of us, lots of walking, playing, talking, running to see the animals, and constant requests to see the Dinosaur exhibit again. At the end of the day, we were walking to the last exhibit, the lions.
The lion exhibit holds special memories for us. Mike took Bella to the Waco zoo when she was smaller and when they approached the lions, she got up on the fence, opened her mouth and started roaring REALLY loud. Don't you love kids? Anyways, back to today, while we were walking she reached out and grabbed my hand and started skipping. Glory, hallelujah, it's a good thing I wore waterproof mascara. You would have though someone handed me money to pay off our mortgage. Walking hand in hand, we simply went to the lion exhibit. But I think something deeper was taking place.
It is in her grabbing my hand while we head to see the lions that i'm reminded who holds my hand. Trust, Emily, Trust. And, enjoy the little hands.
PS: I promise to post the tons of great pictures later!
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